The Three

This place got a little bit too gloomy for a bit. I've decided to put up something nice :)

Okay. So, I wrote this about two years ago. It's a three-part poem. It's not awesome. It's just something I wrote spur-of-the-moment (do I hyphenate too much?).. I was kinda mixed up at the time. Some of you have already read it. Anyhu, I just thought I should put it up here, so enjoy. Or not. You know, whatever.

I
Tall and handsome, but definitely not dark
Sweet and kind for as long as i can remember
Deathly sexy, and a sense of humor to boot

Friends for a while, and then not really
Now things seem to be different
But a good different, interesting different really

Pressed up against him, my heart beats faster
His arms around me, i feel safer
I barely hear a thing he says, my mind is SO gone

What to do, i can't really decide
Actually, what i want i'm quite uncertain
Things progress at a snail's pace

I want him, this i know
But i'm starting to feel he's unattainable
And so, i begin my gradual fade into the background

II
The first meeting, i have to confess, was quite unexpected
To my surprise, conversation wasn't at all difficult
To be honest, i knew from that moment what was going on

Though short, it was absolutely memorable
I carried that memory with me throughout our time apart
And talking to him would always bring joy to my heart

Anxious, excited, elated, eager, keen, and somewhat uneasy
I had something to look forward to in this friggin' hell hole
I knew i had a friend, scratch that, much more than a friend

Time progresses, we move along, but things aren't the same
I try and try, and he does too, but it's out of control
And then, for a bit, it's okay again. Funny how things seem to work out

All those feelings, i should have followed my instinct, kept them hidden
Alas, it hurts worse than a stab to the heart, but i paste on a smile anyway
Our friendship's WAY too important to me to let go, it'll be okay

I should never have seen it, should have just walked away
Wouldn't have been any the wiser, there'd be no reason to feel this pain
Empty, alone, lonely, hollow, sad, hurt, without him, i feel

But deep down inside, i know i know, just too scared to admit it
Friends quite like no other, from the start, until the end
Still not letting go.........we'll be okay

III
OMG! I can't believe this is happening, actually, i can, but then again, i can't
I'm really not making a lot of sense, i know, not even to myself
Maybe you can begin to understand the way he makes me feel

It's been a while, but not that long, long enough anyway
Don't know much about him, haven't had the chance
See him almost everyday, never said a word

I wanted him so bad, for so long, and so did someone else
Interestingly, i really don't see her around anymore, but that's besides the point
I seem to always want things far out of my reach

Didn't really expect it to ever happen, but hey! what can i say
Sadly he thinks i'm totally buzzed, I'm not, but i'd rather he didn't know
Come to think of it, I'd rather no one know

We haven't really spoken since, not at all in fact, but it's no big
You see, I've come to learn to cherish memories and hold on to wishes
So wishes i wish, and dreams i dream, who knows what'll happen

I lay down to rest, but can't really do that, my mind's not ready quite yet
Away i sail on a cloud of what ifs, farther and farther, not sure where to
Patiently i'll wait, things always play out anyway.

The one who has my heart....at least for now anyway

Little Battles

Spinning in the rain, wanting to care
Dancing in the rain, but full of despair
Tossing smiles and hugs and LOLs
Even when drowning in a well
The beautiful clear sky above my head
Only reminds me of the storm I dread
When I get cold, I sit by a fire
And secretly, I mentally burn every desire
Watching this play out like a scene
Knowing this life can really be mean
With your words, you offer solace
Sadly it's worsening at an accelerated pace
The memories, they stay as still images
I alone carry on against the war that rages
All there is to do is stay and fight
But honestly, I'd rather see the light

Princess

The dim, low-hanging fluorescent tube flickered above her, making Princess wonder how much longer it would stay on as she lay on the metal table. She could feel the coolness of the metal through her dress, and it made her uneasy. It didn't help that she was in a room that smelled damp and had some sort of fungus or mold growing in the cracks between the ceramic tiles on the walls. The environment unsettled her but it was all she could afford, and it was too late to back out now. She took a deep breath and tried to relax on the table.

He re-entered the room and approached her, pushing a trolley carrying some instruments in front of him. She noticed he had put on some gloves, and was grateful for that much. He stood at the foot of the table, and instructed her to plant her feet on the table and spread her legs to which she complied. She'd already taken off her underwear earlier, so she was fully exposed. The light above them flickered again, and she glanced up. He, however, seemed unconcerned as he proceeded to rummage through the tools on the table. She kept staring at the dim light, willing it to be a suitable distraction.

The feeling of cold steel penetrating her made her shudder. She realized it was a lever of some sort as she heard creaking sounds usually associated with winding handles, and felt her walls spreading further apart. Okay, this isn't SO bad. She thought to herself as she remembered being told how excruciatingly painful the process would be. But before she could get comfortable, she felt something else being shoved into her.

She had no time to figure out what this gadget was, as sharp pain shot through her body. She bit her lip to hold back a scream, and turned her attention back to the fluorescent tube that seemed to be getting dimmer every passing second. She felt warm liquid trickling out of her, and slowly running down her backside, unto the table. She couldn't help but look, and she watched him pull a huge pair of scissors out of her. He picked up a pump next, stuck it in and started draining.

She felt incredibly uncomfortable, but it was nothing compared to the second cut. She screamed, and he stared up at her. "If you're not quiet, I swear I'll leave this half inside you like this so you can go." She hated his tone, she hated him. He continued to cut and drain, and she let her mind drift to more holding distractions than the confused light source.

She thought about how confused she had been when she'd gotten pregnant. Confusion that quickly turned to elation when she decided to keep the baby. Elation that was promptly squashed when her mother found out. Tears trickled down her face as she remembered the weeks that had followed. Rejection, seclusion, emotional abuse. Home had become even less of a home than it was to begin with. Now, here she was, 33 weeks pregnant, and having an abortion in a less than sub-par facility. Reminiscing about the emotional pain she'd suffered drowned out a lot the physical pain she was feeling now.

She'd convinced herself this was necessary. She needed to end this, get her life back. It was what her mother wanted. Her life wasn't perfect before now, but at least she was happy enough. She finally saw what her mum saw. This child would end every chance she had at a bright future. Everything she wanted would have to be put on hold in order to raise the baby. Sand honestly, Princess wasn't so sure she was ready for the responsibility. She'd get rid of the baby, and her mother would like her again. She wouldn't be a disgrace anymore, rejected and forbidden to allow herself be seen by or socialize with people.

These thoughts occupied her mind as the procedure went on. Only occasionally would the pain be so severe, it would make her flinch and bite down on her lower lip. Her mind was lost, and was only brought back when she started to feel drowsy. The blood was rushing out of her now, she could her it rushing into a bucket. Am I supposed to bleed this much? She watched through half-closed lids as he frantically ran around the room, stuffing towels under and into her. She knew it was pointless. She was feeling light-headed, and could barely keep her eyes open. She let them close, seeing as she couldn't see anymore anyway.

I guess nothing really matters anymore.

Her

You break down my happiness
Reduce my hope to a flickering flame
And then stomp it out

You make me question my existence
Resent my entire being and doubt my purpose
So much so, that I'd rather not be

You pass judgment on me so easily
Shoot me down without a blink
Always, always, you leave my spirit weak

Your words, they hurt. And the silence is piercing
The curses you reign, you make sure they sting
To you, I am nothing. Maybe I am

You take away everything, deprive me of all.
Keep me locked away from the world I once explored
My pleas mean nothing. My tears, even less

There were times I almost gave in. Almost let you win.
But I know I know better. I know we'll be fine.
I may not be all you want, but I'll be enough for her

Me & Irene

I love to watch her when she strips out of her clothes. Each movement is so sensual, I think she does it deliberately. Every time I see her fingers graze a part of her dark skin, I wish those fingers were mine. Or, better yet, my lips. I watch her unhook her bra and slide it off, revealing her perky A cups. The sight of her nipples always makes me happy. They always seem so happy to see me, pointy and erect on her breasts that beckon to me. Thinking about those nips between my teeth excites me to no end, and she knows.

My gaze fixed on her, she turns around and bends over to take off her panties, giving me a perfect view of her rounded backside. I sigh, as my longing becomes an ache. She smiles and walks over to the foot of the bed, in her naked awesomeness. She loves to make me react, to make my entire being ache for her. And ache, I do. Everyday as I watch her go about her routines, and every night as we cuddle. I return her smile "Come to bed, love."

She gets on the bed and begins to crawl towards me, but she doesn't take her usual spot next to me. Irene crawls up to me and eases my legs apart. My heart's pounding, my brain still trying to figure out whether or not this is really happening. And then I feel her soft hands wrap around my throbbing hardness. The pleasure the warmth brings is indescribable. I stare into her warm brown eyes as her hand begins to slid up and down. I'm afraid to ask the question out loud because she might change her mind, but she understands. I see it in her eyes before she smiles and lowers her head to cover the tip of my shaft with her lips. Those soft lips that drive me insane.

Her head sinks lower, and she sucks just a bit harder at every level of her decent until I'm all the way into her mouth, and I feel her lips on the skin at the base of my cock. I shudder as I hit the wall at the back of her throat, and begin to slide in and out slowly. Her moans cause vibrations that excite me even more, and my fingers find their way to my nipples. Tweaking them adds to the heat still building up in me, and my thrusts become faster, and plunge deeper into her throat.

I feel her hand on my balls, gently squeezing as she tightens her lips on my throbbing hardness, and I know she's trying to get me to cum. But I've waited too long, and I intend to enjoy this for as long as I could make it last. I pull out of her mouth, lean in closer, and envelop her in a passionate kiss. Her hands find my breasts and begin to massage and rub my nipples, just as my finger strokes her clit slowly. I slip two fingers into her, and feel her inhale sharply. My fingers slide in and out, and it isn't long before she starts to writhe in pleasure and grind on them.

I take a nipple in my mouth, and nibble gently. Her soft cries echo in the back of my mind, and I can't restrain myself much longer. Pulling her closer, I wrap her legs around my waist and push my cock into her dripping nani. It's tight and warm, and the resulting pleasure overwhelms my senses. I keep her nipple in my mouth and grab her ass, squeezing and guiding her as she rides me.

She wraps her hand around my neck as she grinds slowly on my dick. Our moans fill the room as I thrust into her, getting coated by her warm fluids that flowed steadily. Her walls start to tremble around me, and I know she's at the edge. My thrusts get deeper and more urgent, her hands tighten around my neck and her nails dig into my skin. I hold her against me and reduce to a slow, steady pace as she tumbles. The vibrations, heat and wetness around my cock cause my balls to tighten. A few more strokes and I pull out of her as I begin to cum, spurting between us, covering both our skins in my thick cum.

Spent, I lie back, and hold her against me, stroking her hair as she lay on my chest and played with my nipples.

I jumped as I heard the restroom door open. "Linda!?" It was Irene.
"I'm in here." I managed to respond as I steadied my heart beat. "What is it?"
"Hian! Is your lunch break not over? Sometimes I don't understand you."
I took some toilet paper and started cleaning up my mess "Me sef, I don't understand you. Are you paying my salary?" I cleaned up, threw the wads of toilet paper in the bowl and flushed. I stuffed my now flaccid cock back into my underwear, pulled up my shorts, and rolled down my skirt before stepping out of the stall and walking over to a sink to wash my hands.
Irene stood at the door, arms crossed and tapping her feet. "Are you finally done?"
I smiled at my gorgeous bestie. "Ehn. Oya, let's go back to the office."

Movies I Love

So, I will not be discussing one movie I like. That would be rather drab, wouldn't it. What I'm going to attempt to do is give you an idea of what kind of movies I'm into. Yes, yes. I know you love me. Hold the flowers :)

So, we'll skip past how much I love porn. However, you should know I love porn. A lot. A LOT. But not those senseless 15-minute types. The full length ones with sensible story lines. Cool stuff.

Also, I'm very into horror movies. I love 'em all! I love to watch 'em in the dark, alone. Really good horror ones, that show the actual killings. I love to see blood spill. Sadly, I'm one of those people that talk to the screen like the actors can hear me :| Thrillers are good too. I love being on the edge :D

H'okay!!! Three movies I like.

Ella Enchanted: I love this movie SO much. It's probably the only disney fairy tale adaptation I really like. Maybe it's because I adore Anne Hathaway. And I the soundtrack is cool too. My favorite song is Somebody To Love. I play it over and over again. Once, I got up on a table in the school cafeteria and started singing and dancing. Don't remember if I was high. Hope I was sha :|

Fast Five: Yeah, I know it's a recent movie. But, camaan!! That movie is AWESOME!! Dwayne Johnson, Vin Disel, and Paul Walker in one movie?! Ahh! And there was actual action! Not pussy ass scene cuts and all that crap. That fight scene with Vin and Dwayne? Bliss! And I think I came during that scene on the bridge. *sigh*

Tarzan: This is my all-time fave movie. It's just simply beautiful. And I love Phil Collins for the soundtrack. I never get tired of watching it. I can watch it 5 times a day. Back-to-back.

*sigh* I'm bored and really horny. This is a crappy post. Hopefully, this challenge will be over soon, and I can go back to regular writing.

When is the fasting thingy over? I think I can resume after that.

Something I Miss

Wow! Four days! That's something. I know some of you have been whispering in dark cyber corners about me giving up on the challenge. This is not true. There was no light in my estate :(

Moving on, I've decided to talk about something I miss this morning. I wasn't gonna do this topic now, but I had a conversation of sorts with someone last night, and it kinda came up.

What do I miss? A lot of things. I miss the original choco milo and gala. I miss that milk thingy that you squeeze out of a tube and suck. I miss running around naked in the rain, and cooking in empty milo tins behind the house. Eating chalk, and licking toothpaste for the heck of it too.

Basically, I miss being a kid.

When I was a kid, things were a whole lot easier. I wasn't bothered about what I was gonna eat, or how I was gonna get money to do one thing or the other, or anything like that. There was nothing like love, or heartbreak. No sense of betrayal. Just bliss.

I think I've already mentioned in previous posts that I was aa dork of a kid. I existed in books. If I wanted to go somewhere new, or explore something different, I had my books. I'd sit behind in class while everyone else went out for break and read or do my assignments.

You see, kids are different. My classmates didn't like me because I was different, and they didn't bother hiding it. No one ever asked me to play, or help them with anything. Everyone pretty much just steered clear of me. And I was fine with it. Didn't pretend to like anyone either. I had my books. My wonderfully amazing books.

Now, everyone just seems eager to pleaase everyone else. I guess I just miss that honesty. I'd rather people didn't pretend to like me just because they're trying to get something from me. It sucks. Especially when you know. And I almost always do.

Some people say I play a lot now, because I didn't get to when I was little. This is true. I missed out on a lot when I was younger. Sometimes I try to make up for that. It helps to have awesome friends who get me. They aren't very many, but they mean the world to me. Maybe one day, I'll do a posrt dedicated to them :) meanwhile, just know I love you guys *kisses*

Undoubtedly, growing has been an experience. I've felt real pain, experienced betrayal over and again, learnt the meaning of rejection, been heartbroken, and basically just seen a portion of what life is. I know I haven't seen it all, and I know there have been great memories along the way, and there probably a lot more amazing times ahead.

I miss being a kid, and being a lot less unaware. I miss smiling for no reason, and, just being happy.

But we have to grow. Everyone. And either you do it at your own pace, or life pushes you into you. One way or another.

Childhood is the world of miracle or of magic: it is as if creation rose luminously out of the night, all new and fresh and astonishing. Childhood is over the moment things are no longer astonishing. When the world gives you a feeling of “déjà vu,” when you are used to existence, you become an adult.
– EUGENE IONESCO

Pet Peeves

What are my pet peeves? Honestly, I get upset by so many things I don't even know which are the top-ranking ones. I'm just gonna list them as they come to my head.

• I hate it when someone leaves my room door open. If my door was shut when you walked into or out of my room, why the hell would you leave it open!? Do you just nail a wrapper to a door frame at your house? Because then i'd understand.

• I also don't like it when people shut my room door if I left it open. *shrug* Go figure.

• It irritates me when I have to repeat stuff over and again. This is the main reason why I always seem upset with my sister.

• I do not like when people touch my stuff and/or move it from it's position. There is a reason why it's called MY stuff.

• I don't like seeing piled up dishes. It irritates my core. It's worse when it's not my turn to do the dishes, because then I have to remind the person to do it.

• People who chew with their mouths open. This is a disgusting habit. It needs no explanation.

• People who can't take jokes. You see, I'm not funny. I try really hard, but I fail miserably. So on the rare occasion that I actually tell a funny one, I expect you to laugh. So what if it was at your expense?! Boohoo! Grow a pair!!
The same applies for pranks.

• Girls who wear heels they can't walk in, or short dresses they obviously aren't comfortable in. It really isn't by force.

• Slow people at ATMs. Especially the ones that don't have any money in the account. You wait behind them forever, and they walk away empty-handed. -_-


• Hypocrisy in every size, shape and form. It's very uncool.


Okay. That's 10. I'm sure that should be enough. Don't want to start rambling on and wasting your precious time.

Hope y'all had a swell day. Sleep well, and I'll be back tomorrow.

Famous 5

Five famous people I'm attracted to, huhn? Well, should be easy enough.
Please note that this post is not about objectifying men. It is about objectifying a woman too. :)

Let's begin...



Look at him... *sigh* Those arms.. That chest.. Ryan Reynolds is just... Can you see where his jeans are sagging a bit? I wonder where those lines lead.... *giggle*.
Lest I forget, I also love him 'cause he's as sarcastic and hilarious off-set as he is during a shoot, with a wicked smile to booth. Major turn on.... *looks at picture again* *sigh*




Jessica Alba, as far as I'm concerned, is just a tease. Look at her. Just look at what she's doing! *sigh* those lips... And her body is super amazing. The things I could do.... *daydreaming*




Idris Elba, IMO, is not that hot. Passable at the most. It's his accent that gets me. When he's talking, my mind just zones in on that voice and blocks everything else out. Hotness. I kinda like his smile too.




Look into those eyes. *swoon* I just want to swim in them. I wouldn't even mind drowning. I love how he does all those action flicks, and still manages to be funny. Plus, he's HOT. I'd like to spread hollandia yogurt all over him and lick it all off :D Paul Walker can most definitely get it. And he MUST!!!!




This is my husband. I'm crazy about him. I even stalked him for a bit. Yeah, pathetic. I know. Watevs. Sadly, my mother says I can't marry a yoruba person. :( He's uber talented and so friendly. I think that's what I admire the most about him. Sha, God is in control. One of these days.

So, that's my famous 5. Of course, there are some others. But these top my list everyday.

Good night one and all. See y'all tomorrow. :D

30 Facts About Me

Welcome back to my challenge :D !!!!!!!!
Hope you got a kick out of yesterday's piece. No? Hm. Well, hopefully you enjoy today's entry more.

I decided to write this piece now, rather than at night, because my gut tells me it might be a tad bit long. So, I was hoping you could stretch it out through the day. Those who take a cab/bus/bike to work can read it en route, and you can read it at your office while pretending to do work we both know you're not doing ;)

That being said, I am now going to tell you 30 facts about me. I left out "interesting" because I'm not sure I can guarantee that.

**30 FACTS ABOUT ME**

• My full name is Cynthia Faith Coco Ifeanyi Ayase Anetor-Sokei. I don't like my name. I strongly dislike all the people I know with the name 'Cynthia', 'Faith' is a housegirl's name, people are constantly teasing me because they refuse to believe 'Ifeanyi' is a unisex name, and I have no idea what 'Ayase' means. I used to like 'Coco' a lot, until people started telling me "oh! I know someone named Coco." On the outside I smile, but inside I'm thinking "Die mhen!!"

•Despite the fact that I hate my name(s), I really like my last name. Anetor-Sokei. I think it sounds kinda nice when I say it to myself. Plus, my brother and I are the only two people in the world with the name. :D Go ahead. Google 'Anetor-Sokei'. See what comes up :)

•I have had Dysthymia for as long as I remember. Been popping pills since I was a kid.. I used to call them "happy pills" because even though I didn't know exactly what they were for, I knew I felt better when I had them. When I go a long period without my pills, life isn't pretty. Kinda like recently.

•I love mangoes! Always have. When I was about 6, there was a mango tree in the next compound. Whenever we went over to pluck ripe ones, the owner would yell at us because he was a greedy cow leg. The tree was pretty close to the fence near our block, so I watched my cousins jump on the fence and pluck. I decided to try this on my own one faithful day when my craving was exceptionally high. So, I got on the railing of the staircase, and lunged for the fence. I missed. I hit the fence with my chest instead, was bounced back to the water tank, and then I hit the concrete floor :( I've had problems with my chest/heart ever since. (Personally, I don't think my doctors know what it is. They tell me something different every two years).

•My mum is from Delta (Asaba), and my Dad is Edo. I get really confused about which side to claim, since they aren't together anymore. Someone once suggested 'Edolta'. I speak, write and understand igbo, but I don't even know what "good morning is in isaan (my dad's language).

• I like food a lot. I do. But I don't actually eat much. I always take very little portions, and I have this really nasty habit of picking at my food. I guess I'm in love with the idea of eating, and not the actual act.

• I'm very picky when it comes to food. Even when I'm starving, I won't eat something if I don't like it. What's the point of eating something you won't enjoy. Also, it's kinda hard for me to try new stuff out at restaurants. And it sucks. It's a habit I'm trying to break.

• Sugar addict. At a point, a doctor told my mum I have a minor case of hypoglycaemia. Appaz, my dad is diabetic, and I inherited it. More drugs for me! Yaaay!! :| I still take loads of sugar though *shrug* can't help it. I've fainted about three times before when I went a couple of hours without sugar.

• My genotype is AS. It sucks. I hardly ever get sick, but when I do, it feels like my world is about to end. Even when it's something as simple as a cold. Also, my throat always gets sore when I'm about to fall ill.

• I don't really like kids. They annoy me most of the time. Even the cute ones. I could be playing with a kid one second and then smack them the next. I'm trying to learn to deal with it because I'll be a mum soon :)

• Some people think I have ADHD. This is not true. No doctor has diagnosed me with such a condition. So what if I actually have to see a doctor before I can be diagnosed. If you think I get distracted easily, get more interesting. Pfft.

• I'm scared of thunder. It's one of the reasons why I don't like the rain. It's really embarrassing, because once I actually hid under my desk in class in secondary school. *smh* I used to be scared of the dark as well, but not anymore. Not really.

• When I was younger, I wanted to be a stripper. Sadly, my dancing skills sucketh. :(

• I suck at arguments. Like, verbal fights. When it comes to insults, I draw a blank. You could rain a truckload of insults on me, and my retort would be something like "Yeah? Well, you too." :| But if it gets physical, I know I can kick ass sha. Even if I don't win, I'll definitely leave some sort of scar. I don't fight fair.

• I despise being called stupid. I do some stuff that I guess may come across that way, but I really don't need to hear it from anyone else. Any other insult is fine. I really don't care

• I have some anger issues. I get pissed over the littlest things and just explode. Sometimes, I store it all up and blow up on an unfortunate soul. But I'm better now. At least, I don't let it push me to physical contact anymore. Those were dark times *shudder*

• I'm very sensitive to words and perceived emotions or reactions. I get upset if I feel someone I care about is upset with me, or doesn't really want to talk to me. Admittedly, some of these perceptions exist only in my head. But my mind is really good at playing things up. If someone replies "hi..." to my "hey :)" I immediately start wondering what could be wrong.

• Yes, I'm a bit paranoid. I sometimes feel I'm being watched :| And sometimes, I think I hear voices.

• I love attention. I love when people like me. Not like my happiness depends on it....much, but I really just want to be liked by everyone. It's sad, but I'm one of those people. I hate being ignored. It makes me want to cry :(

• I have a lot of dreams. There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do. Stuff I feel I need to do. Lately, it's felt like they're all falling apart. But God knows best. Still hanging on :)

• I love to write. Writing is a part of who I am. It just feels good to be able to put all my thoughts down on paper (figuratively or otherwise). It's such a release. It feels good when people read my stuff and say it's really good (thanks guys) but sometimes, I need criticism. I feel like I don't get enough of it. And I need it to get better.

• I'm very shy. Extremely so. I'm very awkward at social gatherings unless I have alchy on me. It's difficult for me to make new friends. I'd love to walk up to people and introduce myself, but I just never seem to be able to work up the nerve. It's also difficult for me to maintain eye contact with anyone. Not just cause of the albinism, but looking into someone's eyes is a deep thing for me. It's hard to expose myself to people like that.

• I'm born again. Prayer is really important to me. I really do believe it changes things. Sadly, I don't pray as much as I need to anymore :(

• I do not like phone calls. They make me uncomfortable. There are very few people I spend more than 2 minutes on the phone with. These are very special people. I don't call people unless I have a message to pass on, or a question to ask. It's not that I don't like to keep in touch, but that's why we have SMS :D

• This is probably coming late because I'm running out of stuff to say. I'm my mother's 2nd child. I have an elder brother and a little sister. Don't know what number I am to my dad. I doubt my stepdad even knows what number I am.

• I quit smoking (everything). Haven't taken alchy in a while, but hopefully I'll resume soon :)

• I don't get addicted to stuff that people are always yapping about. I've tried out a lot of stuff that I'm not sure I should discuss here, but I never got addicted. Always stopped whenever I felt like.

• I have a healthy sexual appetite (bite me) and I'm into a lot of stuff. Don't have a favorite position, don't have any specific preferences. All that just makes the whole thing boring :| Believe it or not, once you pick a favorite, it kinda closes your mind to anything else.

• Yeah, went through a bit of molestation from uncles and such when I was little. I lost my virginity at 15. Was raped by a neighbor. Aborted the resulting pregnancy. I've moved on.

• There isn't a lot I regret. Actually can't think of any right now. I try to do stuff I won't regret later, even though I can be really indecisive. I learn from my mistakes though. Because the real mistake would be not taking anything from the lesson.

So, we made it yeah? Sorry if this was drab and long. It's part of the challenge. Bear with me :)

I actually put off doing this piece, because I wasn't sure I want to put most of this stuff out there. But I think I'm comfortable enough with it now.

Oh. Before I forget. You may have noticed I no longer tag people to the link on twiter. If you'd like to follow the challenge, please subscribe to the blog. Thanks.

Enjoy the rest of your day. :)

Challenge Break

Okay. So, I think I've mentioned a couple of times that I get bored pretty quickly. Realized today, that I wasn't really fancying any of the topics on the three lists for the challenge I have. Figured I should take a break.

Was looking through my facebook notes today. They made me laugh a lot. Remembering stuff that happened back then and all. *sigh* Happy times.

Anyhu, going through a particular note kinda gave me an I idea. I decided to put this up so you can have an idea of what I was like as of December 13, 2009. It'll give you a heads up on the next couple of challenge posts.

So, enjoy (if you can) and I'll see you tomorrow.
NB: It's one of those question and answer thingies. I copied and pasted exactly as it was. Didn't change anything. :)


Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
---> Who hasn't?

Do you think the last person you kissed is nice?
---> Yeah

Who was the last person to call you?
---> Answered = Chinwe; Not Answered = My aunty

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
---> Malta Guiness :) hmmmm

When is the last time you cried?
----> Dnt remember, bt nt long ago sha

Are you scared of spiders?
---> Nopez

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
---> Not really sure

What are your plans for this weekend?
---> PARTY HARD!!!!

Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
---> Lake

Last person you drove with in a car?
---> I think it was Sarah nd Dee

What did you last buy?
---> Tees

What’s irritating you right now?
---> The fact that i'm hungry :(

What radio station(s) do you listen to?
---> Anything playing jamz, but mostly Cool FM

Are you afraid of the dark?
---> Yupz. Especially when it's rainin

Are you listening to music right now?
---> Nah

Do you like Chinese food?
---> Hell Yeah

What is the last movie you saw in theaters?
---> NEW MOON!!! WHOOHOO!!

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
Yeah David...R.I.P Boo

Do you get distracted easily?
---> ooooo...gum..sorry?

First time you kissed the last person you kissed?
---> the day i met him :)

Was this the best year of your life?
---> hmmmm...hv to think abt that

Who are your best friends?
---> they know

What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
---> happy things

Is it easier to forgive or forget?
---> forgive

Are you jealous of someone?
---> what could i possibly be jealous of?

What last made you laugh the hardest?
---> too many things at once...difficult to remember

Do you flirt a lot?
--> i wouldn't call what i do flirting

Would you live with someone without marrying them?
---> yeah

Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
---> yeah :(

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
---> dnt remember....

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
---> hehehe..yeah

Who was the last person that made you feel safe, why?
---> I'm not goin to say his name, but being with him just made things seem not so bad. would never say it to his face tho. been thinking about him a lot l8ly.

Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
---> YES!!!!

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
---> Next question pls :)

Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
---> I could be when i want to

What did you do yesterday?
---> Exam, simpsons, food, sleep

Have you ever dated Someone Older Than You?
---> Always do

What time did you go to bed at and when did you awake?
---> slept by 1, woke by 7

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
---> not EVERYONE

Believe in love at first sight?
---> Nah

Challenge Break

Okay. So, I think I've mentioned a couple of times that I get bored pretty quickly. Realized today, that I wasn't really fancying any of the topics on the three lists for the challenge I have. Figured I should take a break.

Was looking through my facebook notes today. They made me laugh a lot. Remembering stuff that happened back then and all. *sigh* Happy times.

Anyhu, going through a particular note kinda gave me an I idea. I decided to put this up so you can have an idea of what I was like as of December 13, 2009. It'll give you a heads up on the next couple of challenge posts.

So, enjoy (if you can) and I'll see you tomorrow.
NB: It's one of those question and answer thingies. I copied and pasted exactly as it was. Didn't change anything. :)


Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
---> Who hasn't?

Do you think the last person you kissed is nice?
---> Yeah

Who was the last person to call you?
---> Answered = Chinwe; Not Answered = My aunty

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
---> Malta Guiness :) hmmmm

When is the last time you cried?
----> Dnt remember, bt nt long ago sha

Are you scared of spiders?
---> Nopez

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
---> Not really sure

What are your plans for this weekend?
---> PARTY HARD!!!!

Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
---> Lake

Last person you drove with in a car?
---> I think it was Sarah nd Dee

What did you last buy?
---> Tees

What’s irritating you right now?
---> The fact that i'm hungry :(

What radio station(s) do you listen to?
---> Anything playing jamz, but mostly Cool FM

Are you afraid of the dark?
---> Yupz. Especially when it's rainin

Are you listening to music right now?
---> Nah

Do you like Chinese food?
---> Hell Yeah

What is the last movie you saw in theaters?
---> NEW MOON!!! WHOOHOO!!

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
Yeah David...R.I.P Boo

Do you get distracted easily?
---> ooooo...gum..sorry?

First time you kissed the last person you kissed?
---> the day i met him :)

Was this the best year of your life?
---> hmmmm...hv to think abt that

Who are your best friends?
---> they know

What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
---> happy things

Is it easier to forgive or forget?
---> forgive

Are you jealous of someone?
---> what could i possibly be jealous of?

What last made you laugh the hardest?
---> too many things at once...difficult to remember

Do you flirt a lot?
--> i wouldn't call what i do flirting

Would you live with someone without marrying them?
---> yeah

Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
---> yeah :(

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
---> dnt remember....

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
---> hehehe..yeah

Who was the last person that made you feel safe, why?
---> I'm not goin to say his name, but being with him just made things seem not so bad. would never say it to his face tho. been thinking about him a lot l8ly.

Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
---> YES!!!!

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
---> Next question pls :)

Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
---> I could be when i want to

What did you do yesterday?
---> Exam, simpsons, food, sleep

Have you ever dated Someone Older Than You?
---> Always do

What time did you go to bed at and when did you awake?
---> slept by 1, woke by 7

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
---> not EVERYONE

Believe in love at first sight?
---> Nah

Me & My Ribena

So, today, I'm showing y'all a pic of something that makes me happy. :D

My love for Ribena knows no boundaries. I've loved it ever since I was a little kid. I remember my mum used to buy the one in the glass bottle that you had to dilute with water. Sometimes, when she wasn't home, I would go into the closet where she kept it and steal sip a bit from the bottle. She found out, of course, and then I couldn't use my ass properly for about two days. :| But my love only strengthened.

Some people think it's ridiculous that I still love Ribena at my age. As far as I'm concerned, I didn't see an age restriction on any of the packs. And I wouldn't care if there was. Ribena gives me SO much Joy!!!!

When I'm depressed and don't have anyone to talk to, Ribena is there.
When I'm alone and lonely on my bed, Ribena is there.
Ribena never tells me I'm fat or makes me feel stupid.
Ribena never makes empty promises, or gives me false hope.
With Ribena, my happiness is guaranteed.

Ribena will be a major part of my life for the foreseeable (is that how it's spelt?) future. Honestly can't think of anything that can change that. I have at least one bottle everyday.

Well, it's a wrap. LMAO (private joke)
Thanks for stopping by. :)

Everyday I'm Shuffling

Sorry this is coming in late. MTN was being MTN.

So, today I'm supposed to put my music player on shuffle and talk about the first 10 songs that play. Lemme apologize ahead of time. I give very lousy reviews, so be prepared for the bare minimum.

1.) Cheers (Drink To That) - Rihanna
I love this song cuz it's about drinking ^_^. It's such a feel-good song! And I kinda like Rihanna. It reminds me of fun nights spent drinking away stress with friends, drinking games and all that. Of course, only few people know what happens when I have alchy in my system. ;) Gosh. I miss alchy :(

2.) Pop Champagne - Dr. Sid ft Dbanj
LMAO! This song is just daft!!!! I loveeeeet!!!!!! Chai!! AUN nights! So much memories. *sigh*.

3.) All I Do Is Win - Beazy
Well, I love beazy. His punchlines to me are almost always on point. I respect what he does. For me, doing the BMM is hella cool. Serious level of commitment. Which I think is sexy. No, it has nothing to do with his voice :|

4.) Raining Men - Nicki Minaj ft Rihanna
My fantasy oh! How I wish sha. I guess this song is trying to teach me that I don't need to stress over a single guy. Too many fish in the sea, mhen. And it's so true. But who really has the energy to go fishing?

5.) I Give You My Heart - Hillsong
Yes, I have gospel songs on my phone. Plenty sef. Worship is an integral part of my prayer. You can never thank God enough for everything He's done in your life. Even when I have no words to pray, I try to just spend time singing worship to Him.

6.) Overkilling Rmx - Djinee (shey?) Ft Choc Boyz
I LOVE THE CHOC BOYZ!!!!!!! Especially Jesse *sigh*. The song sha is ayyt. I just listen to it cuz of MI and Jesse. I have no idea what djinee was doing. What happened to the days of 'Ego'? And Ice Prince :x Plus, there was a time people used this song to feel cool in clubs. *smh* Those days...

7.) Enigma - T' Sleek
One of dem enigma peepu oh!! It's ayyt sha. Efa's own was still the best IMO. Too bad no one really appreciates the art of storytelling anymore. This one is just here singing about getting money. I just want to slap him.

8.) Ahamefuna - Duncan Mighty (I think)
I don't know what this song is doing on my phone :|

9.) All of the Lights - Kanye & Co
*sigh* 'Ye!! My husband!!! I love this song. I love this album! I used to listen to it every morning. I don't think I'll ever get tired of it. I like how all the featured artistes added their own element. I especially like how it worked. I just love this song. For me, Kanye never fails to deliver. Big fan.

10.) Fly Away - Nelly
This song was the soundtrack for The Longest Yard. I've never seen the movie. Someone played this song for me in SS3, and I fell madly in love with it. It's so deep. It makes me think about a lot of stuff. Life issues and such. It inspires me. It's just so good. I don't know what else I can say about it. It's an awesome song.

And, because I'm awesome like that,

Bonus Track - Imagine by Glee Cast
I'm crazy about glee. I have almost all the songs off their soundtracks. I listen to them when I'm in a crappy mood. This song is just beautiful. If you've heard it, then you know what I'm talking about. Makes too much sense. Too bad it's just a song though *sigh*

So, that's it. :) thanks for stopping by. Please, join me again tomorrow as I continue on this journey :D

#np - Don't Rain on My Parade - Glee Cast d(-_-)b

Religion

So, I lay on my bed pondering on what topic to discuss today. So many options (seeing as I'm mixing up topics from three different lists), so little time. Finally, I decided to go all deep and philosophical on you behinds and discuss my views on religion. But, as we all know, deciding to do something and actually doing whatever it is are two completely different things.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I will be discussing my views on religion. I'm just not sure we have the same definitions of 'deep' and 'philosophical'.

So, I went ahead and googled the definition of 'religion', and, from what I gathered from various dictionaries, religion is a belief in and/or an attempt at connection with a supernatural being. I tried reading up on all the different religions and ish, but I didn't want to deceive or bore myself. So, I'm just gonna wing this.

Most people seek some sort of religion or the other, for various reasons -closure, fear, repentance- but most really have no idea what it means. Some are raised in said beliefs, and just run with it for the rest of their lives, no questions asked. Very risky, if you ask me.

I believe questions need to be asked. I don't know a lot about other religions, so I'll focus this on christianity a bit. I used to have a lot of doubt, about what I was being taught as a christian, so I set out on my own. I stopped going to church for a bit. Know what I realized? People are dumb-ass hypocrites!!

You say you believe in something, and then go out and do the opposite of what you claim to believe in. Ask some people the most basic questions about christianity, and they can't give you an answer. Meanwhile, the Bible (which was compiled by men) is supposed to be an instruction manual.

The most ridiculous to me are the radicals. I really hate when someone tries to force their opinion on me. I feel a person should be free to believe in whatever they want to believe in, as long as they have adequate understanding of what that is, and what it requires. I remember an aunt of mine once told @d3ola that if she doesn't leave islam and convert to christianity, she'll go to hell. Said aunt is still not speaking to me.

Religious bullies are just simply annoying. And most of them have no full understanding of the religion. They basically just run with whatever they priests or whatever tell them.

I don't even want to go into talking about those who completely forget who their worshipping and start worshipping the pastor/priest/whatever. I remember once, someone was trying to preach to me and he quoted a bible verse but he said "according to my pastor". I was like "Dude, that's in the Bible.". Believe it or not, he was speechless.

*sigh* I'm getting upset. I'm going to stop now.

I'm a christian. I was born a christian. Christianity is not my religion. It is a lifestyle I have chosen. I don't believe I have to go to church to have communion with God. I study my bible and pray. I believe in the power of prayer, but I also believe in working for the changes you want to see. My relationship with God is personal, and concerns no one else. After all, when the much anticipated rapture comes, each person will give account of his/her own life. Right?

That will be all. Good night, people *kilzes*

Stupid

I stay stupid
Forever morbidly stupid
Saying stupid things
Thinking stupid thoughts
Stupidly fawning
Steady making a fool of my stupid self
Stupid, stupid, stupid
Stupid is obviously what I aim for
Stupid is what I get

Ways To Win My Heart

:D

Wow! One week already! I feel so committed and what-not :D !!!! Am I really enjoying this? I'll admit it's kinda cool to me though. Just a little.

H'okay!! So, today I'm supposed to let you in on 5 ways to win my heart. ;) I left out the number '5' in the title because I'm not really sure if I'll stop at 5. Guess it depends. Also, I will not give any specific headings, or titles or whatever. I'm not really good at that. So, just take them like that. I'll try to be as orderly as possible though.

Aight. Let's get this ball rolling.

• I can NOT stress enough how much I love attention. Like, LOVE! It's like a drug to me. That's probably the only thing I'm addicted to. If a guy can shower me with all the attention I crave, then he's in. I don't mean the stupid kind oh! Calling me at 2am and asking if I'm awake, or calling me every 5 minutes to 'check up on me.", etc. What the hell are you checking?! Cheesus! That shit just creeps me out.
I'm not a pest or anything (so I like to think). I just need to be given adequate amounts of attention when I require such. Like, if I send a text or an I'm, I'd really love him to reply as soon as he can. That's not too much to ask is it?

• Intelligence is a key factor for me. A guy has to be able to hold his own in a gathering. I'm not going to say I'm uber smart, or I have uber smart friends, or anything like that. I'm just saying, you never know what conversations or debates may come up while hanging out with a group of people, and I'd love to be able to stare at my date through star-struck eyes as he beats everyone intellectually. Or at least holds his own against everyone else.
I actually like guys who are smarter than me. Not the obnoxious kind that rub it in your face though. I like a guy that I can have an intelligent conversation with, and who makes me actually want to learn stuff just so I can keep up.

• I'm a christian, and I'm one of those people who believe a relationship with God is important, and personal. I find guys who have close, personal relationships with God attractive. He doesn't have to be like a radical or anything, but he should be grounded enough for us to build up each other in our faith :)

• I'm very submissive. It's true. I can be strong and all that, but, with a guy, sometimes I just become docile. I like guys that are strong-willed and a bit overpowering. I can be very strong-headed, even when I know I'm wrong. It's a bit of a put-off when a guy just buckles to my will. It takes the fun out of everything. :(
It's also important in sex too oh! A man must be a man! Know what you want and take it. I despise being asked stupid questions while I'm trying to enjoy myself. "Do you like it?", "What do you want?", "Is this good?" Like, really. WTF?!

• I am a girl. And, because I am a girl, there are certain characteristics embedded in my genes. I fight them as hard as I can, but they sometimes manage to break free. I can be irritatingly obnoxious. Ehn?! Even me sef, I know. I can start an argument over the most irrelevant thing imaginable, I can get upset over something I invented I my head, and just be downright silly. Patience is very important. That's all I'll say. Just remember I'm a girl and focus on all the pleasant times we've shared. Because, at the end of it all, I may not apologize verbally, but my actions speak WAY louder than words.

• I get very bored very fast, so it's important to be spontaneous. I like activities a lot, so coming up with fresh, cool stuff to do is awesome. This applies to the bedroom as well. I hate plain sex. It's so drab. I love games, and trying out new positions and stuff. Sometimes, I take the 'play' in 'foreplay' too literally.

• I'm a sucker for arts. Writing, poetry, painting, music, etc. *swoon* I just fall almost automatically for guys that are inclined towards that area. My weakness is writers. Sometimes, I read stuff that just makes me weak in the knees. Sadly, all the writers I know have broken my heart :(

I'll stop here, so I won't give everything away. Have to maintain an air of mystery, no?

My fingers are tired now, so peace out. Oh! And yes, Terdoo. I took it :p

My Current Relationship

Hey all :). So, I was gonna write this post earlier this morning, when I was feeling all emotional and shit. Then, decided against it. I already did all that drama on a post I did on @d3ola's blog. Feel free to go read it there, if you haven't already.

So, my current relationship. I'm not exactly sure if I'm in one. You see, I've come to realise I'm unlucky in love. I fall for guys I KNOW I can't have, or guys that really have no interest in me. Sometimes I fall for a guy for all the wrong reasons. And, there are times when stuff just happens, even when the relationship seems perfectly fine.

Am I in a relationship now? I don't know. The guy I'm supposed to be dating won't speak to me, so *shrug* watevs. I want to talk about being single, because, in reality, I really am very single.

How do I know I'm single? Well, for starters, all my recent relationships have all been in my head. Yes, I've been dating my mind. And it's been awesome. But, unfortunately, they all came crashing down as well. Do you see what I go through?

What's it like being single? Well, aside from all the amazingly awesome, no-strings-attached sex (yes, everytime), it sucks monkey balls. Well, it does now because I'm currently going through a phase were my hormones are in hyperdrive. I was kinda cool with it until now. Way I see it, who really wants all that drama?

If I'm going to be in a relationship again, then it has to be perfect, or as close to perfect as possible.

That's all I have for today. But a post of mine went up on a new site. Maybe you could check it out? Letting Go on Abuja Paroles.

Ayyt. That about wraps it up. Enjoy the rest of your day :*

PS: I'm confused, lonely and horny :( . Feel free to forget everything you've read here.

Need

Needy and clingy and hot
It's supposed to be okay, but it's not
Desperately seeking and needing
Wanting and craving

You're not here, where I need you to be
No one is here, next to me
To hold me close and erase my fears
To kiss me softly and wipe my tears

My world seems to get darker still
And I'm slowly losing my will
With the ever dwindling light,
Is there really a reason to fight?

Maybe there is but one
My spark of hope yet unborn
My reason, my life rope, my torment
The one thing that's now ever present

I need this not just for me
For us to be able to be
I have to believe it when I think "it'll be okay."
And not just reminisce on the trial of each passing day

My First Love/First Kiss

Why do people always want to know stuff like this? Haven't you wondered? Like, is it really anyone's business? Oh! You're my friend? Udonmeanit! Please, shift jhor. *sigh* Anyhow sha, I lost a debate with myself on whether or not to do this, so I'm doing it. Here we go.

Of course, as it most often is, my first love was in secondary school. I was in SS1, and just getting over the tomboy phase. By 'getting over', I mean I desperately wanted to be a girl. *pause* I just realized something. Like, right now. Honest. *sigh* This is gonna be longer than I planned it to be. :|

Okay. Two stories. Let's go.

A) I spotted him as soon as I walked into the classroom. Maybe because he was much lighter in complexion than everyone else. I can swear I stopped breathing for a few seconds.
SIDENOTE: Did you know the heart doesn't skip a beat or stop beating? Well it does if you're dead, but that isn't why we're here. When you feel your heart 'stop' or 'skip a beat' it's because it's pumping at a much more accelerated speed than normal, thus causing stronger beats. I'm not a 100% sure about this though. Read it somewhere, and it just popped into my head.

Anyhu. So, I saw him. And I wanted him. Yes, just like that. He was uber cute, and I was in JS2. I decided instantly to get close to him, so I investigated a little, and used my male friends as a cover to hang out with him. I'd hang out with them whenever we were free, and laugh at all their, stupid, senseless, juvenile jokes, just to be close to him. He never had stupid jokes though. They were all witty and hilarious. He was sweet, and so shy, and uber cute. I was perfectly happy being friends with him. His presence and attention were satisfactory enough.

But my happiness was not to last. Someone went and opened her big mouth and told him I was crushing on him! You see why I'm not a huge fan of female friends? Why are girls just wicked?

Imagine my surprise when one morning, before assembly, he walked up to me and told me, in what I assume was intended to be the nicest way possible, that he liked me as a friend, but had his heart set on someone else. I'd always known he like someone else. Everyone had told me how crazy he was about her during my little investigation. But hearing it from him? That was just devastating. I just smiled politely and kept thinking "That bitch snitched!!" Maybe not exactly in those words, but you get my point.

Somehow, the whole school found out, some teachers inclusive, and I was teased throughout my time there (JS2 - SS2). I kept liking him though. Patiently waiting for my chance to come. It never did. Even after I left the school, I still liked him. I'd turn as red as a tomato whenever I heard his name. I think I still like him a bit now, or maybe I'm just wondering "what if..."

B) He was my first ever boyfriend. Like I said, I was in SS1 and breaking out of the tomboy phase. Well, not SS1 exactly (I'd just finished writing NECO) but still... He was my friend's friend, and we met in my estate one day I went to visit. He was sweet, and charming, and wooed me all summer. Yes, wooed. Gifts, and walks, and serenades (he played the guitar), and just pure, young awesomeness. There wasn't anything particularly striking about his looks, but he was gorgeous to me. We'd sit and talk for hours on end, and never get bored or have any awkward silences. The silences we did have were the comfortable kind, where you're just content with being next to each other.

Enter, THE FIRST KISS. Firstly, lemme quickly say that my first kiss was from an 8-year-old on my 7th birthday. It was a quick peck on the lips, so it doesn't count. My first real kiss was not with my first love :(. It was with a guy I'm not really sure if I was dating at the time. I really wanted to kiss David (my love) before I had to return to school, and I didn't want to embarrass myself. So, I decided to practice with this other guy. HUGE, TERRIBLE MISTAKE!!! It was like he wanted to bathe me in saliva and/or swallow my face *shudder*

I never got to kiss David. Not the way I wanted. Our kiss was light, and sweet, and hurried, because I was already leaving for school and our driver was a dolo. I never saw him again. While I was back in school, our relationship continued through phone calls and letters. And then he died.

So, those are the two stories. Not exactly sure which is/was my first love. I just know these are two guys I felt/feel very strongly about. Maybe you can help me decide. Or not. You know, whatever.

Childhood Memories

I was writing this post, and my phone went off before I could save -_- I am unhappy. Now, I have to start all over.

Anyhu, today I'm supposed to talk about my earliest childhood memory. While I'm sure you'd enjoy a story about me bawling like a maniac when, at age 3, someone took my pacifier out of my mouth, I've decided to do something else. Not entirely off topic, but just mixed with something else.

So, I had a lunch date with my stepdad today. Well my sister and I did, but she's absent for most of the time this piece is based on so..... Like I said, I had a lunch date with my stepdad today. My stepdad I haven't seen in 3 years. I remember the last time I saw him, because we were standing in front of our block in the estate, and he promised me a car. Since that day, it's been aa series of promise-and-fail calls. Nothing more.

I remember when this huge, round dude showed up at our house in Lagos one afternoon. I think I was 7. Yeah, 7. I remember because I'd just had the most AMAZING birthday party ever at Water Parks. Anyway, dude was with mum. He was nice enough, you know? Like how they usually are when their trying to hook up with a single mum. Don't know how the whole get-in-with-the-kids-get-in-with-the-mum philosophy started, but this guy was well learned in it. Gifts kept coming for my brother and I, and life, as far as I was concerned, was pretty darn awesome. My only problem was that he kept buying me barbie dolls, which I despised. He still didn't get it when I chopped their heads off. Just bought me more :|

Well, I won't bore you with all that went on between then and now. All you need to know is that we are now at a place were we see each other after a couple of years, and only talk on the phone when I happen to be around when my mum, or sister, calls him.

Lunch today was crap. Mine was sha. There's almost nothing worse than dry moi-moi. Why the hell would you stick moi-moi in a microwave?! What is wrong with people?!!!!!!! *deep breath* Sha, as I sat at the table and stared at the disgrace on my plate, I was thinking about back then. How we'd gone from being almost too close to forced conversations at a table under a tree. I guess I should be grateful he actually pulled through on a commitment this time.

Childhood memories. Some are really cool. Some really suck. And some just remind you how much you've had to grow up.

Again

Surrounded by light
Only see the darkness
Never really alone
Forover lonely
Searching, but never really finding
In deep, desperate need
Overwhelming shadowy thoughts
Taunting, whispery voices
Lost in plain sight
Sinking deeper still
Giving in to the waves
Welcoming the silence
The end

My Academics *giggle*

ACADEMICSOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! *rolling to olodo grammar school*

Uhhhh...let's see. Am I a dropout? I'm not exactly sure. I started uni, did two years, and decided to go on a break. It's been a year now. I get bored with stuff really easily, so, somewhere along the line, I probably got bored with school and all that learning and stuff.

If you read yesterday's piece, then you saw the part about me being a braniac and all when I was much younger. I won't say I'm dumb now, 'cause I'm still pretty smart (YES, I AM :p). I've just gotten really comfortable with dumbing myself down. It's a terrible habit, and I don't even know why I started doing it. I'm working on it now sha.

I can say, in all honesty, that my academics have (has?) truly suffered. Somehow, I seem to always start of eager and willing and open and on top. And then I just drop. It kinda happened in primary school (my lowest was dragging 3rd position with someone else), then in secondary school (I'd rather not discuss it), and then in the university. However, you should know that the situation in uni was SO different. Everything was fine until I got ill. I spent most of the semester in the clinic.

SIDENOTE: I actually looked at my transcript before writing this post and realized that the stupid school did not only fail to defer the semester I requested to be deferred, they also went ahead and registered me for a semester I did not register for AT ALL!! Of course, I got Fs in all the course I was 'registered' for in those semesters, and now, I have 10 Fs on my transcript. 10!!!!!!! My CGPA has fallen from 3.26 to 2.03. This will NOT stand!!! So, if any AUN student is reading this and knows how I can rectify this terrible error, please let me know.

I think it's really important to be passionate about what you're studying. If you have no drive or love for your course, then you can't really put in your all, can you? I really like media and design and stuff like that, but it really isn't what I want a degree in. Which is why I've decided to man, finish the two years I have left with media, and then go for a Masters degree in my true passion (Law).

Well, I'm going back to school soon (hopefully). I will not be spewing all that crap about turning over a new leaf here. All I'll say is I'm interested again, so I'll run with that and see how it goes.

That's all 'til next time. Short, wasn't it? Well, what can I say? Wasn't passionate about this topic. *shrug*

A Quote I Try To Live By

She walked across the school playground, head held as high as she could manage, squinting through the thick lenses of her basically useless glasses (they did nothing to improve her sight), the sun above threatening to blind her. Destination cleared in mind, she marched on. Struggling not to get distracted by the calls and chants from her playing schoolmates littered around.

She longed to join them in their games, but she knew she wouldn't. She wouldn't fit in. Never had. And, quite frankly, she just couldn't be bothered enough to try. Undoubtedly, the games all looked fun and the songs were interesting, but she thought them a bit childish and a frightful waste of valuable time. So, across the field she went, straight to the admin block.

A quick scan of the hallway, and she spotted the door bearing the sign STAFF ROOM 2. She knocked gingerly on the door and waited for an invitation before opening and proceeding inside. She curtsied and greeted in her barely audibly voice "Good afternoon, sister. I came to submit my homework."
Sister Uju raised an eyebrow "What homework?"
"The one you gave us this morning." She replied, placing her homework note on the reverend sister's table.
"Again? My dear, it's called homework because you're supposed to do it at home.". Sister Uju stared down at the small, awkward looking child standing before her, sighed and shook her head. "It's okay. You can go."

She exited the staff room and began her journey back to her classroom. Break wasn't over yet, so students were still scattered around, having as much fun as they could.. A group of them spotted her, and the chanting she'd become familiar with resumed. She sang long under her breath, smiling to herself.
Oyibo Pepper!
Chuku chuku pepper!!
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So, if you still haven't noticed or guessed it, I'm an albino. Needless to say, I've always been different from everyone else around me based on that. However, my shortage of melanin (still not sure how that's spelt) isn't the only thing that separates me from people I find myself in the midst of.

As a kid, I was aaa bit of a loner. I hardly ever talked to anyone outside my house, or played, or did stuff other kids did. All I would do was sit and read. I'd write occasionally, but only as a reward for reading for a really long time. It was what I loved to do.

Because of this, I was a bit of a braniac. I was one of those I2K children that loved to show up everyone else in the class. Doing homework early, finishing classwork, answering questions, etc. I always came top of the class. All that changed as I got older, unfortunately.

Everywhere I went, people would shout stuff like "Oyibo!", or "unfortunate European", or something of the sort. Plus, there was that song. I got used to it really early, so I never really paid much attention. Even now, people still comment when I walk down the road. I find it all really very amusing. Yes, there are some people who allow their ignorance push them into making stupid comments, but I'm not sure if I blame them. I mean, whose fault is it they're ignorant?

Some people actually go out of their way to stop and give me tips on how to take care of myself. "Use aloe vera.", "join albino foundation.", "don't eat salt.", etc. I thinks that's nice and all, but c'mon! I've been an albino for about two decades now. It's not like I just woke up one that morning and have no idea what to do. Also, it's really cool when I run into people who have albino kids and ask for my advice.

Okay. I'll admit I enjoy it a bit too much. I'm an attention hog. I LOVEEET!!!!! :D

This post is dragging on, so I'll end it now.

People often ask me what it's like to be me. How do I cope? How do I feel? What's sex with an albino like? (Seriously.) Some people say they've never met an albino like me before. I'm like "You've never met ANYONE like me."

I'm albino. I'm loud, and playful and obnoxious sometimes. I love to eat, and drink, and dance, and hang out with the few friends I have. I'm a person like you. Except awesomer. ;)

**Quote I try to live by - DARE TO BE DIFFERENT**

The Meaning Behind "As You See It"

I really don't Understand what's so difficult to understand in the title. "As You See It". Simple enough to understand, no? Anyhu, for the sake of the challenge, lemme break it down.

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So, one cold, dark, lonely, evening, Cece lay awake on her bed, pondering the issues of life, and the vastness of the universe, and it hit her. I should start another blog. She thought to herself. She missed blogging a lot (her last blog had folded due to some very childish antics), and ached for the excitement of having little pieces of her mind out there for the world to see. Plus, people kept nagging her to start writing again.

So she downloaded Wordpress for Blackberry, even though she had NO idea what she was going to blog about. Her last blog was basically whatever was on her mind. Should this be the same? Different? She had stories and poems she'd written, but she wasn't too confident about them. What's life without risks? That was settled.

But what would the name of the blog be? Definitely not the same as the last one. This blog was going to be full of stories she would write, and maybe poems written straight from her heart. Not the silly, childish, empty rantings from the old blog. As You See It. It flashed through her mind, quick as lightening, and she knew she had it.

Every word, every sentence, every story put up for everyone to see would be plain as day. Straight from her treasury.
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So, that's the story behind the blog name. :)

Sidenote: 'CeceNoStockings' is a far more complicated story. Well, that's if you find the fact that my name is Cece and I don't like stockings complicated. Also, CeceNoStockings is the name of my very exclusive label. Exclusive because I currently only design and make clothes for myself.

Thanks for stopping by. Hopefully, I do something better with tomorrow's piece.
*hugs&kisses*

30 Day Challenge

Hi!
Just wanna let you guys know I'm gonna be doing the challenge, starting tonight. All other publications are on pause, because of fasting and all.

Okay. That's it.

Escape

The tears come every night now it seems.
Sometimes, even when I'm asleep.
These aren't the loud, clumsy tears of a hysterical creature.
These silent tears belong to the tired heart.
Tired of fighting to stay.
So sick of fighting to leave.
Clawing desperately at every string of hope has lost its appeal.
What more is there to fight for?
The butt of every joke fate has up its twisted sleeve right now.
Accustomed to loneliness,
Seeking change that appears far yet.
Heavyweight decisions for two worlds.
No solace in a tear-soaked pillow.
Always begging, always scraping, screaming internally.
Tired soul, weary heart, looking for the easy way out.
The coward's pills, maybe.
Maybe today, maybe tomorrow.
Not a soul to mourn, care, or discourage.
Anticipating the welcoming darkness.
Temporary relief, but relief much needed.
Escape from the pain, escape from the burden.
Escape.

Daddy's Girl - II

Rays of sunlight streamed into the room through holes in the worn out curtain. I focused my attention on the little spots that fell on odd places around the room, letting my imagination play. Any distraction was welcome lately. I tried to get into a more comfortable position, but my body hurt too much so I just stayed there. I knew I'd have to get up eventually, but he'd be out for at least three more hours. Why rush?

I hated this bed more than I hated mine. So much more. Lying on it, even being in the same room with it, was a violation of my soul, my mind, my whole being. But, unlike with my bed, I couldn't refuse to lie on it. Why? Because I was usually thrown or pushed on it. I sighed as I watched dust particles dance in the sun rays. He grunted beside me.. Tears welled up in my eyes as another attempt to get off that dreadful bed and leave proved even more painful than the last.

The rain continued to fall outside, thundering and beating the dirt off the windows of the house, as I washed the day's dishes by the dim glow of the only candle we had left at home. I took my time with each plate, slowly and deliberately getting every inch of the ceramic clean. Honestly, the plate wasn't really dirty. I had to focus on it, or I'd start crying all over again.

I can't say there was anything unusual about the morning she'd left. It was every other day. As always, she and papa had argued loudly the night before, throwing and breaking more items from around the house. They were arguing fighting about me again, but this time I couldn't help but feel it was my fault. For some time, I'd been hammering on mama to allow me start school, and she'd finally agreed to talk to papa that evening. As the fight escalated outside my door, i'd stayed in my room, cowering under my duvet, unable to sleep, until the house fell quiet a little past midnight. The following morning, my mum had assigned me my chores for the day, picked up her bag, and left without another word. Fear and, dare I say, wisdom prevented me from inquiring about my request. She never came back.

Day after day, I'd sat outside, scanning the street from my perch on the stairs, as I wasn't allowed to leave the compound without papa's permission, looking out for any sign of her. Two weeks had passed, and I'd given up on sitting on the stairs in front of the house awaiting mama's return, and enduring taunts from papa regarding the issue. The dishes were a good distraction from the hurt and abandonment I felt. I couldn't think of a logical reason why she would leave without so much as a "goodbye", or why she would leave me with this horrid man. I finished the last of the dishes, adjusted my wrapper, and picked up the candle.

As I made my way through the sitting room, I heard a grunt from the couch. Papa had dozed off on the chair, it seemed.
I continued towards my room, and had just reached the door when he called to me "Ememgini."
I paused "Yes, papa."
"Come and help your father inside."
I reluctantly walked back towards him, and bent so he could put an arm round my shoulder in order to stand up. he reeked of alcohol and cigarettes, and I couldn't wait to be away from him. I led him to his room, helped him lie down, and was about making a hasty retreat when I felt him grab me. "Is there anything else papa?" I asked.
His speech was slurry "Are you happy now? You've chased my wife away."
"Papa." I tried to pull away, but his grip was firm.
"Who will keep me company now in this house? Ehn? Onye?"
"Papa, I want to go and sleep."
"Sleep?" His laugh was the sound of evil, and sent a shiver down my spine. "What sleep? Is this not what you wanted?"
"Papa, biko..." Before I could complete my sentence, he had pulled me down on to the bed.
I started to scream, but was quickly silenced with a blow. "Shattap!" He tore frantically at my wrapper until it came loose, exposing my bare chest and legs. "See? Prostitute! This is what you want, ehn?"
He was kneeling between my legs, unfastening his pants. The realization of what was about to happen fully hit me, and I began to beg again, only to be rewarded with another blow to the face.

I don't think I cried because of the pain I felt when he ripped me as entered forcefully. It was the feeling of my soul being wrenched from my body, as he hammered mercilessly into my pre-pubescent body, raining insults on me. Any form of protest or struggle was met with a blow, until eventually I just lay there and took it, silent tears rolling down into my ears. I felt like a used piece of rag, as he collapsed on me, snoring. I was too scared to try to move. At intervals through out the night, he would wake up and pound into me for a bit before drifting back to sleep. He never got off.

I've never felt shame like when he finally woke that morning. I was grateful when his weight was finally off me. He stood, by the bed, looking at me with disgust, and hissed "Get this place cleaned up. Look at you. Prostitute. Like your mother. Ekwensu." I'd cried that morning as I washed the congealed blood between my legs in the bathroom. The assaults had continued steadily after that day.

I was jolted from my memory as a sharp pain forced me to tumble off the bed and unto the floor. He'd kicked me "What are you still doing here? Ekwensu! Zuzu puta n'ebe a!"
I got off the floor and briskly left the room.