04 December, 2012

Day 4

Posted by CeceNoStockings at 10:38 PM 0 comments Links to this post

I turned 21 this year.

Honestly, I have to keep reminding myself of my age. It’s been a constant problem and I can’t wrap my finger around the reason why I simply cannot remember my own age.  

But that’s not the point.

Turning 21 was a milestone for me, and I’m writing about it because it was on that day that I truly was more depressed than I have been this entire year. And, surprisingly, it wasn’t because no one bothered to remember this time, or because I didn’t even have a cake or a party, or even because I didn’t get a single present (as usual). Believe it or not, I spent the entire day sulking about how everything I’d planned for my life had been shot to hell.

If you’ve read my earlier posts (from when I first started blogging) then you know what exactly I’m referring to. 2012 was supposed to be my year and I spent a whole day regretting all the ways it had turned out not to be.

But that’s the mistake I made. Looking back now I feel like going back in time and kicking myself out of bed. Probably shake some sense into the twat too.

I was so hung up on how many times I had supposedly failed and all the things I believe I had failed at when I should have been celebrating all the things that made 2012 such an awesome year. I wish I could really go into details about all the amazing stuff I’m talking about, but it’s a bit too personal. I know I keep saying that, but you’ll understand a bit better when my other posts go up later on.

This is probably one of the shortest posts I will write this month, and I just wanted to use the opportunity to tell you to be content. Seriously. You may not be where you want to be or where you think you ought to be, but God knows why you are where you are. The best you can do is ask for his guidance and try to fulfill the purpose he has outlined for you.

The more time you spend wishing things were different and regretting choices you made, the longer you delay that amazing plan God has for you. I kinda had to learn this the hard way, but you don’t have to.

I’m grateful I’m 21 (even though I forget). I’m grateful for the decisions I made that brought me to where I am right now. I’m not going to lie and say I’m perfectly happy, but I’m learning to be content and appreciative. Because as bad as I think I have it, there’s someone else out there who has it much worse than I do. And besides, God isn’t done with me yet.




03 December, 2012

Day Three

Posted by CeceNoStockings at 8:18 PM 1 comments Links to this post

Sorry I couldn't come up with a catchy title.

If opposites attract, does this mean I’m the same as every guy I come in contact with?

You know what I wanted more than anything this year? A boyfriend.  An honest-to-God boyfriend. You can go ahead and laugh, but I’ve spent the past twelve months being ashamed and that’s behind me now. Why should I be ashamed because I want a lover of my own? Is it such a terribly unimaginable thing that I want to love and have my love reciprocated?

LOL. That was a bit intense.

Well, if I want(ed) a boyfriend so badly, why didn’t I get one? It’s not exactly like I can pluck a boyfriend off a tree, you know? *sigh* If only it were that simple though. Wouldn’t that be grand? Have a boyfriend plantation where every kind of boyfriend you could possibly dream up is grown (and sold at unbeatable prices, of course).

Romance, as I’ve often imagined what it should be in my spare moments, is dead to me. All the sweetness, and the happily-ever-after stuff you see in romantic movies, I have no idea what that’s like. Well, it would be more accurate to say I’ve never really experienced it first-hand. I’ve watched several of my friends fall in and out of love, and I’ve watched relationships blossom and wither. Did you know I once considered going into work as an official third wheel? Seriously. I mean, people are cool and they try not to point it out or be obvious, but I’m always just there – sitting beside a couple making out, walking beside or behind a couple holding hands, acting as a buffer between fighting couples – and it kind of sucks because I should at least get paid for doing what I’m good at.

But that is beside the point.

I told a friend of mine that I’ve never actually been wooed before and she burst into a hysterical fit of laughter. It really wasn’t funny. And that was what I wanted this year. To have someone actually woo me. Not necessarily with serenades from below my balcony at midnight or any of that stalker behavior, but a nice middle ground would be nice. I want someone to check up on me just because he misses talking to me or hearing the sound of my voice, and to stay in bed with me and watch series all day. Someone who I can tell absolutely any and everything to and not be judged, or laughed at, or made to feel inferior. All this may be because I’ve watched too many Rom-Coms, but who cares? The heart wants what the heart wants.

To be fair, I did come pretty close this year. I met someone who I thought was perfect for me. And he was. A man who is sweet and kind and everything I would imagine a perfect person to be if ever such a person existed. And for a while, what we had was enough. So what happened? It’s simple, really. I’m a girl. I get emotional and I fuck shit up. It’s what I do *shrug*. A friend of mine once told me I panic and hit ‘self-destruct’ when things start going good for me, and I really need to get some help. I thought it was a stupid thing to say at the time, but it kind of makes sense now. I’ve tried to console myself by tricking myself into believing I had to call our arrangement off because he wasn’t ready to commit and it was for the best, but who am I kidding?

One day, I snapped and asked a couple of my male friends what would make them not want to date me. A lot of the possible reasons I got were snide and hurtful and those guys would be dead if I didn’t love them so deeply, but one kind of stuck. Instead of answering my question, he turned it around on me. “Why wouldn’t anyone want to date you, Coco?”

I haven’t exactly had the best track record when it comes to relationships (that’s a post for another day) and I was okay with it for a really long time. This year, I’ve come to understand that it’s not as easy as I thought to fall out of old habits. You just get so used to a certain kind of lifestyle; you can’t just up and change it one day. And I really did try this year. I worked so hard at being someone that someone would want. Someone he would want. But try as I might, it was all just futile.

I’ve always seen myself as a particular kind of girl, and I was pretty damn proud of who I was for the longest time.  Now, the year’s about to end and I don’t want to go into 2013 that same girl. A lot has happened this year to help me realize this. I told my closest friends I was going to change and I will. I’m working on me now – getting to know myself better, accepting myself, decide what I really want, work on my discipline – because I understand now that I truly have to be completely and utterly in love with myself if I want anyone to feel the same way about me. No matter how long it takes for me to get where I need to be, I’m going to do it. And then I’m going to find my Happily Ever After.



02 December, 2012

New Beginnings

Posted by CeceNoStockings at 8:57 PM 0 comments Links to this post

I would tell you all about the pretty decent Christmas I had, but that’s so 2011. So, I’ll simply state that I started this year with a bit of a bang.

This year for me was a year for new beginnings as well as for firsts; starting with January 1st, 2012 which was my very first New Year celebration with Ayo :D. It was an especially amazing moment for me to just spend this time with this gorgeous child that I brought forth and marvel at God’s goodness to me. I’ve never been more proud of anyone or anything in my entire life.

Those who know me know 2011 was a pretty trying year for me, what with being pregnant and hiding it and giving birth and not going back to school and all, so I can easily say that was the biggest change for me this year. I cannot accurately describe to you how ecstatic I was when I mother informed me I would be going back to school with simply words. I should record myself reenacting that exact moment and upload the video. It may not be exactly the same, but you should get some sort of idea.  It didn’t matter where I was going to school.  All I knew was that I was getting a second chance, and I was beyond grateful both to God and my mum.

And yes, God. That’s another thing this year. I’m almost ashamed to say I’d almost forgotten what it felt like to have God looking out for you. I’m thankful for those who helped bring me back from the edge I was dangling precariously from.  Prayer is THE greatest, most amazing life-changing option God has blessed us with. You can argue with me if you want, it won’t make it any less true. I know how many times I got so close to just switching off and pulling the plug, but prayer, mine and those people said on my behalf, pushed me through.

The most trying period was when I had to go stay with my dad and one of his wives in Badagry while waiting for school to start. Details of my time there would make for an interesting blog series, but I find it’s best to lock all my memories away until they are absolutely necessary. It was a real trying experience adapting to this new environment, living with these people I didn’t know anything about and had never met before but were somehow family. It wasn’t really horrible per say, my dad’s wife was really nice for the most part and my dad was never really home which took care of all the awkwardness I would have had to deal with otherwise.

What was the most super amazing thing to happen this year? I STARTED WORK!!! Yeah, I know! Seriously. I was all down and depressed and in need of some sort of distraction to take my mind away from all the anger. And then one day, someone asks if I’d like to fill in for him tweeting for TNC. It’s almost been a whole entire year now, and working for (with?) thetoolsman is the best thing ever! I can never thank him enough for all the opportunities he’s made available for me, and the advice, and encouragement and every other thing he’s done that would be too much and too personal to mention here, but I will most definitely keep trying. So, thank you, Tula! You are awesome! 

How can I talk about this year being a year of firsts without talking about Ghana? Would that make any sense? No, it wouldn’t. Moving t Ghana for school came with all you would expect relocation to. I wish I could say it was my first time living out of a hotel, but it really wasn’t. It was however, the first time I absolutely abhorred it. Ghana is SO very different from all that I’d heard it was, I’ve honestly tried my hardest to settle in and acclimatize, but there seems to always be another irritating surprise waiting for me around the corner. I even tried making friends with some people in class, against my better judgment, and even that didn’t alleviate the annoyance festering within. If anything at all, it made it worse. But I am grateful, nonetheless. Hopefully, I will find the time (and proper company) to explore this city and find all the glorious things I’ve been told it has to offer. They have to be here somewhere, right?

That’s the wonderful thing about new experiences; they mold you one way or the other and somehow manage to make you better. Sure, it might hurt. It might almost kill to try. But you’ll always be the better for it (that I can assure you of). I would point out a very relevant example, but that would be too personal. Then why mention it? Because it’s my blog and I can type what I want to. Bite me.

That’s it for today. Come back again tomorrow for another piece as I wrap-up 2012.


01 December, 2012

2012 Wrap-Up

Posted by CeceNoStockings at 8:30 PM 0 comments Links to this post

“Hello Again” to all my friends!
I’m glad you came to play!
The fun and learning never ends.
Here’s what we did today.

Well not just today, really. This IS the 2012 wrap-up after all.

This year has been eventful, to say the least. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been as eventful for my writing. I should apologize, but who would I be kidding? Whether I write or not, the world keeps spinning round, so let’s just get on with it.

If this is your first time here, welcome to my new blog. Try not to get too attached. This is the fifth one :)

This year, I’ve been through almost every possible experience and ridden on several roller coasters. It’s been simply amazing! So amazing that I’ve decided to share my year with you, who I love so so dearly (obviously). 

This is just an introduction, so I’ll be brief.

You may or may not already know I went back to school this year. This is just one of the any exciting new things that happened. I want to just spill out my entire guts on this page right now, but then it’ll ruin the whole thing I have planned for the month. Yes, I have a whole thing planned. And I’m going to finish. I know I haven’t had the best track record with completion, but t’s different this time.

It’s not a challenge that I feel I HAVE to do, or something I’m doing just because. I’m doing this wrap-up because I have a lot of emotions and thoughts that I allowed well-up in my heart/mind/soul that I really just need to pass on to someone before the year ends.

Right now, I’m really just rambling because I’m trying so hard to get you to come back without giving any of the good stuff away. It’s really hard. See, initially i thought about doing this on 19th Street, but i just have SO much i want to talk about (like I've said about a thousand times now).

So please, stop by daily if you can. I have no idea what tie the posts will be going up, but there will be one every single day.

Again, welcome.

Peace, love, and Ribena.

28 September, 2012

Resurrection

Posted by CeceNoStockings at 12:46 AM 0 comments Links to this post
I used to be good at this. Like, REALLY good.

I’d stay up really late and write all my posts early in the morning before going to sleep. My mind always seemed more functional when the sun was just threatening to rise. I remember curling up under my duvet, comfortable and content on my mattress on the floor of my mother’s room. Yes, I used to sleep in my mum’s room. Her AC was the only one in the house that worked. Anyway, that was it then. It would be 3am and all I’d have was a pack of digestive, a bottle of Ribena, and all these stories running through my mind. Beautiful words and brilliant sentences all pushing themselves to the front of my mind and then on to the screen of my phone.

So, what happened?

Things change, they say. It’s supposed to be the only constant thing, right? Cool.

I guess I just lost it. It’s not that I don’t want to write anymore though. I still do. I just don’t for absolutely any reason. Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I’ve forgotten how. Now, all the fun I had writing is just like an album of old pictures I really don’t like looking at. Not because the pictures are ugly, but because they just make me feel so sad.

I’ve started so many stories and just abandoned them halfway. It’s sad. But I’m changing that.

How?

Well, I’m writing this now, aren’t I? I don’t even know what made me pick up the laptop in the first place, but I did. And I love the way my fingers feel as they dance around the keyboard pushing these ridiculous buttons. It’s amazing. I have so many stories I want to tell you and a whole lot of experiences I’d like to share.

A lot’s happening right now for me. It’s not all good, but there are some bright spots and I cling to them for dear life. So be warned that the ride we are about to embark one, together hopefully, might get rough. But just stick with me and it could all be worthwhile.

Yes, a journey. Notice the title of the new blog? That’s how I see things now; like I’m hitchhiking through life.  Every day brings a new place (emotionally) and a new experience and I intend to explore every bit of it.
It’s going to get personal for a while, but things will pick up eventually. I promise.

I just want to write.


09 August, 2012

iBlend Presents RE_UP 3 #GUILTYPLEASURES The POST RAMADAN RAVE

Posted by CeceNoStockings at 1:43 PM 0 comments Links to this post

Image

 



As part of its annual road map Abuja leading social network and Events outfit iBlend Services, hosts a one of a kind club rave themed Re-Up. This exclusive party is held yearly to celebrate the end of the Ramadan fast and is targeted towards all our Muslim Brothers and sisters, the upwardly mobile socialite crowd and the fct’s show business community. Always highly anticipated, Re-Up is one of the top ranked parties on the Abuja events calendar. Hosted successively in Abuja since 2010, Re-Up III promises to be bigger and better than ever before.

 

This year’s event is hosted in conjunction with one of the FCT’S Finest night life establishments, in Classic iBlend fashion we are pulling out all the Bells and whistles for this one,

 

Aptly themed  “Guilty Pleasures”……..YOU BETTER BE PREPARED FOR ANOTHER SPECTACULAR EXPERIENCE

Event details will be released in three days time so WATCH THIS SPACE

 

iBlend……..do you?"

15 July, 2012

Enough

Posted by CeceNoStockings at 1:22 AM 4 comments
So, I wrote this cuz I wasn't sure I could still write. I don't even have a title :( Suggestions are welcome though :) Enjoy



The fluorescent light in the rundown kitchen flickered on and off repeatedly, leaving five-and two-second intervals between each shift in lighting change.

Lara stood motionless, staring at the food placed at the center of the serving tray, the cutlery laid delicately next to it. Steam rose gently out of the bowl containing the fish pepper soup he'd demanded her to make when he had gotten back from work. I wonder what he'll find wrong with it tonight. At the thought, contempt clouded her mind and, for some odd reason, all she could taste was steel.

Several attempts at lifting the tray had failed pitifully. Lara placed her hands on the counter, the cold causing her to shiver involuntarily. Her bones felt weak and hurt. The skin above the bones hurt even more and was covered in bruises. Slowly, she lifted her hand to her face and touched her left cheek with her fingertips. Swollen. Liquid, warm and sticky, greeted the probes and she flinched. For someone who hated the sight of blood, she'd seen an awful lot of it over the past years. This has to stop.

She was at war with her conscience. You see, this wasn't the first time Lara had entertained this idea, but she'd always ended up backing out. Why? She wasn't quite sure. Fear, maybe. Or most likely the barely recognisable fragments of the intense love they'd shared at a time that seemed too far back in history for Lara to remember. Whatever it was, it had kept Lanre alive this long. No more.

She whispered those two words over and again in the empty kitchen and felt her resolve strengthen. She knew this time was different. Lanre need to pay. For everything. She simply couldn't afford to allow him another opportunity to lay a hand on her again. All the promises he'd made about things getting better had finally come to mean nothing more than empty words. Lanre's constant cries and pleas whenever she was packed and ready to walk out, crooning in her ear how she was his entire world, how much he needed her, and how she was the most important thing in the world to him, meant nothing more to Lara now, than promises of another incident.

A low laugh escaped Lara's lips as she remembered how often he'd cried and told her how much he hated himself for hitting her. How ashamed it made him. Funny how all that shame went out the window whenever he perceived another slight on her part. The fists would fly again, and no one could do anything to stop Lanre whenever his eyes and mind where blinded with rage. The neighbours had even stopped trying to come to her aid when Lanre had thrown a brick at a man who had pulled him off Lara's tiny, cowering frame on the concrete floor of the compound courtyard. It's either I kill him or he kills me. And me, I'm not ready to die.

A glance down at the bowl in front of her informed Lara she'd have to reheat the peppersoup. God forbid she presented her beloved husband with a lukewarm meal. As she shut the oven door and set the timer, the fluorescent tube flickered back on and she caught her reflection in the oven door. The woman before her was barely recognisable. She saw a woman who had been brutally beaten down by life, not the soft, happy features she once boasted. Gone was the youthful fire in her eyes that Lanre claimed had attracted him to her in the first place. Now, hey eyes were just cold...and dead. At that moment, Lara realised more than ever how desperately she needed that light back. And just what she was willing to do to get it back.

Retribution. She could almost taste it. She knew she was ready.

"OMOLARA!!!" Lanre's voice startled her, but only briefly. She stopped the microwave and pulled out the food as he shouted again from the living room. "Ahnahn! How long does it take to make peppersoup?! Are you cooking for an army?!"

Lara composed herself and headed towards the living room with the bowl of peppersoup, stopping by the door to take the pestle in her other hand. She took a deep breath as she stepped into the living room. This is it. She walked up to where Lanre was seated in front of the TV and stood behind him, hoping her resolve didn't fail her now. Lanre stretched out his hand without even bothering to turn his attention from the flickering images before him. Finally she opened her mouth, her voice a low whisper. "The food is here, Lanre."
"Put it in my hand now! Are you stupid?!"
"No."
Lanre finally turned around, and the look in his eyes was unmistakeable. Hatred. Pure. Undiluted hatred.

Before Lanre could speak or react, Lara threw the bowl at his face. As expected, Lanre screamed and covered his face giving her enough time to steady herself and hold the pestle firmly in both hands. He managed to open his eyes just as she raised the pestle above her head, and Lara recognised another emotion register on her soon-to-be ex-husband's face as the realisation of what she had planned dawned on him. His mouth opened, and his free hand went up in a petty attempt to defend himself, but she was having none of it. With every ounce of force she could muster, Lara brought the pestle down on Lanre's head.

There was a loud pop and then a crack as she penetrated the skull, followed by a wet squelching sound. Her anger boiled over and she kept hitting his head with the pestle, her screaming serving as another outlet for her anger and frustration.

Anger subsided, Lara stood panting in the living room, the people in the television still carrying on with their business, and surrounded by a mess of blood and brain matter. And then she realised the full implications of what she had done. "Oh, darling. I'm so sorry. She whispered to no one. "You can't imagine how much I hate myself for this. You're my world. I'm nothing without you, and I promise this won't happen again." And then she laughed. It was loud and carefree, filled with purity and joy and the execution of darkness. Her first real laughter in years.

The sight of Lanre's chair soaked in the remnants of what used to be his head filled Lara with unimaginable joy and a sense of fulfilment. She went upstairs, packed up most of her belongings and took her time getting cleaned up. As she headed out the door of their apartment, she glanced back at the mess in the sitting room and thought about what Lanre would say if he could still speak. "Ode! Useless fool. I'm going out. This place should be spotless by the time I get back."
 

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