Her

You break down my happiness
Reduce my hope to a flickering flame
And then stomp it out

You make me question my existence
Resent my entire being and doubt my purpose
So much so, that I'd rather not be

You pass judgment on me so easily
Shoot me down without a blink
Always, always, you leave my spirit weak

Your words, they hurt. And the silence is piercing
The curses you reign, you make sure they sting
To you, I am nothing. Maybe I am

You take away everything, deprive me of all.
Keep me locked away from the world I once explored
My pleas mean nothing. My tears, even less

There were times I almost gave in. Almost let you win.
But I know I know better. I know we'll be fine.
I may not be all you want, but I'll be enough for her

Stupid

I stay stupid
Forever morbidly stupid
Saying stupid things
Thinking stupid thoughts
Stupidly fawning
Steady making a fool of my stupid self
Stupid, stupid, stupid
Stupid is obviously what I aim for
Stupid is what I get

Need

Needy and clingy and hot
It's supposed to be okay, but it's not
Desperately seeking and needing
Wanting and craving

You're not here, where I need you to be
No one is here, next to me
To hold me close and erase my fears
To kiss me softly and wipe my tears

My world seems to get darker still
And I'm slowly losing my will
With the ever dwindling light,
Is there really a reason to fight?

Maybe there is but one
My spark of hope yet unborn
My reason, my life rope, my torment
The one thing that's now ever present

I need this not just for me
For us to be able to be
I have to believe it when I think "it'll be okay."
And not just reminisce on the trial of each passing day

Again

Surrounded by light
Only see the darkness
Never really alone
Forover lonely
Searching, but never really finding
In deep, desperate need
Overwhelming shadowy thoughts
Taunting, whispery voices
Lost in plain sight
Sinking deeper still
Giving in to the waves
Welcoming the silence
The end

For My Friend

I smile much more than I used to
I think it's because of you
Being me is definitely easier to do
I think you did that too

It's awesome how open I can be
I can tell you whatever's bothering me
Not once have you turned me away
You always have something smart and positive to say

It means a lot to me that you're always there
And that I can cuddle up to you without a care
Your simple words and gentle treasing makes my heart soar
Plus you don't seem to mind that I'm such a bore

I don't have a whole lot of stuff to write
Just thought I'd let you know (again) that you're alright
And I hope a reason never arises for all this to end
Because I really am very glad to have you as a friend.

Happy

I can't stop the tears that run freely down my cheeks
I can't ignore the pain I feel when these tears take control
I wish I could give a reason for these tears
An explanation of sorts

Beneath my smiles, I hide a frown
No one knows that I am down
I wear a mask of cheer and grace
My heart aches at every embrace
My eyes will hardly hold your gaze
Lest you see past the haze
And look into my tortured soul

To be there not here
I'd my all and a little bit more
Sadly, 'there' is lost to me
Dare I fight this lost war?

I give so freely, and hardly take
Heaven forbid I'm bold enough to ask
And so, I hide in the shadows keeping wake
Hoping and wishing to be found

It's been a while now
I've grown accustomed to the dark
Yet, these tears subdue me
Remind me of what I lack

I push and push against a wall
Can't go around, and it's way too tall
I'd love to see those hideous bricks fall
Cuz then i'd know I truly have it all

Don't Judge Me

I'd rather you hit me instead of hurling those hurtful words.
Calling me a disgrace or a fool won't change anything.
Because I'm neither of those things. We are neither of those things.
I'm inexperienced, yes. You may say that.
But you have no right to judge me.
You can't call me shameless for sleeping with my boyfriend.
I know all your boyfriends. Yes, even the married ones you sleep around with.. The ones you try to keep a secret.
You have no right to judge me.
You can't tell me I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
At least I haven't repeatedly tried to kill my baby like you did. Drinking night after night, taking pill after pill. Because he didn't want her. Didn't want me.
At least both her parents want her.
You can't call me a failure. Because I know we'll be okay. That's never been a problem.
You sit there and judge me. What makes you any better?
Every kobo I've given you to use to run the house, he gave to me. He takes care of me. Of us. What do they do for you? Which one of us is being used?
I'm crying now not because I'm sad, but because I know it's only a matter of time.
Everyone fails to see the big picture in the beginning.
I'm the one you tried to kill, but look at me now. I'm the one who loves you the most, and yet you refuse to see it.
I've spent my whole life tying to please you. To make you happy.
One day, you'll take back all you've said.
You'll see. One day when she's grown. She'll be beautiful and happy, because I'll love her. Love her the way you never loved me.
Right now, I'll just be quiet and not say a word. I'll be quiet and watch you judge.

Him - Last Night

So, I'm awake. Stupid phone acting up. Can't sleep. I just want to fling the damned device at the wall. But I can't...

You see, I'm not upset at the phone really. I'm upset because I miss him. This is the closest to him I could possibly be. The only way to cross the bridge between us.

Here, as I lay awake on my bed, all I can think about is him. What if he's trying to reach me? I feel horrible. Empty. I've grown used to him it seems.

Old conversations run through my mind, and I crave more. His name pops up in my head repeatedly. Different fonts, sizes and colours dancing around teasingly. Frustrating me even more.

I close my eyes and imagine those arms around me. The arms he gave to me. It helps sometimes. Not so much tonight. I whisper his name. Say it a bit louder. Hoping. Wishing. Lost.

Reaching for my phone again, I will it to function. I've never been a fan of gadgets. This would be another reason why. This torture was unwarranted. Why wouldn't it let me be happy? Why couldn't it understand?

I give in. Let my imagination wander. Create my own blissful world, where I could be with him. Remembering to put up the boundaries that keep us apart. I could be with him, but not completely. Not really.

HIM - His Words

His words
Delightful little sparks

They light me
Fill me with joy and warmth
Melting the ice inside

They soothe me
And fan the flames within
Re-igniting something once lost

They beckon to me
I open my soul
Releasing myself completely

They excite me
Coaxing giggles and snorts
Tickle buried fantasies and dreams

They build me
Pushing me to try
Encouraging me with little hints

They make me wonder
Wish for things forbidden
Lust for events that will never pass

Laced with charm and sweetness
Care immeasurable
They break me down, make me weak

To his words, I surrender
For his words, I wait all day
With his words, I am content