Don't Judge Me

I'd rather you hit me instead of hurling those hurtful words.
Calling me a disgrace or a fool won't change anything.
Because I'm neither of those things. We are neither of those things.
I'm inexperienced, yes. You may say that.
But you have no right to judge me.
You can't call me shameless for sleeping with my boyfriend.
I know all your boyfriends. Yes, even the married ones you sleep around with.. The ones you try to keep a secret.
You have no right to judge me.
You can't tell me I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
At least I haven't repeatedly tried to kill my baby like you did. Drinking night after night, taking pill after pill. Because he didn't want her. Didn't want me.
At least both her parents want her.
You can't call me a failure. Because I know we'll be okay. That's never been a problem.
You sit there and judge me. What makes you any better?
Every kobo I've given you to use to run the house, he gave to me. He takes care of me. Of us. What do they do for you? Which one of us is being used?
I'm crying now not because I'm sad, but because I know it's only a matter of time.
Everyone fails to see the big picture in the beginning.
I'm the one you tried to kill, but look at me now. I'm the one who loves you the most, and yet you refuse to see it.
I've spent my whole life tying to please you. To make you happy.
One day, you'll take back all you've said.
You'll see. One day when she's grown. She'll be beautiful and happy, because I'll love her. Love her the way you never loved me.
Right now, I'll just be quiet and not say a word. I'll be quiet and watch you judge.

Dear Kevin

Hey Kiwi :) (do you still hate that?)

I'm finally doing this. Yeah, it took me three days for it to sink in. You know how I can be with stuff like this. However, in my defense, your mum's method of breaking the news was a tad bit tactless (she sent a text). Yeah, really. Anyhu, I guess that's really insignificant compared to the big picture.

I was thinking about the day you were supposed to teach me to ride a bike. I think about it every time I see a bike (a lot). I still don't know why you pushed me down that hill. I could've died, you know? Or damaged something! I guess you felt bad enough about the cuts since you took me out for ice cream :) I still love ice cream. Still can't ride a bike. But that's my fondest memory. Bit odd, I think.

Wow Kev. I don't know. I'm supposed to write what I would like to say to you. Where do I start? You know how I function. Remember when Chuks died? Compare my reaction to that to that of David's dearh. But it's you. Not Chuks or David, or Aunty Nkem. You. I'm still not clear on why. But everything happens for a reason, no?

I woke up this night crying, because I realized the one I'd lost one of the closest people to me. Who am I going to rant to about stuff no one else cares about? All our planned trips. We were finally gonna go :( Who's gonna send me daily pick ups to keep me happy? I guess I'm crying because I always thought you'd always be there. To cheer me up. To be my inspiration. My motivation. You fixed yours, but you still understood what it felt like because you'd been there.

Am I being selfish? I am, right? I should be wondering how your mum and Steph and Debbie are doing. Not lamenting about you leaving me.

I guess I just want you to know I love you. Always. We all do. You were probably the favorite (we had a poll last year and didn't tell you). I know you don't want me to be this way, but how could I not? After everything? C'mon! Be realistic. I hope you're happy. I know you're glad you got born again. I am too. Because now, I'm certain we'll see again.

I love you, Kevin Uzochukwu Moore. And I miss you. R.I.P

What Nobody Knows

Hello :). So, this isn't what was supposed to go up today. I know. Unfortunately, the people upstairs are experiencing technical difficulties and will not be able to deliver this week.

This is just a little something to compensate. It's the latest of my healing exercises (don't ask), and I thought to share.

Feel free to use the comment boxes to leave your thoughts. Once again, my sincerest apologies.
______________________

Dead. Cold. Lifeless
Empty. Without feeling.
Tired of struggling.
Willing to give in.

Alone. Unwanted. Unloved.
Different. Without a friend
No one to care or defend
Desperately seeking the end

Sick. Tired. Unsure.
Weak. Can't take much more
Behind a locked door.
Almost time to let it all pour

Dark. Silent. Peace.
Fading. Finally letting it go.
Soon, someone would show.
Too bad they didn't know.

Time. Contentment. Release.
Gone. A slowly accomplished mission
No more unwanted tension
They should have paid attention.